Check Out Our New Article in Boston Parents Paper

Raise Confident and Thoughtful Children: Avoid 5 Common Parenting Traps

Check out the article we wrote about raising confident and thoughtful children that was printed by Boston Parents Paper. 

Link to Teaching Kids to Think's article in Boston Parents Paper

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Former Standford Dean Saw the Pitfalls of Helicopter Parenting

Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford Dean, has seen students enter the prestigious school for many years. In a Washington Post article, she reported an increased trend of students who were well prepared academically, but ill prepared to take care of themselves. She saw parents who were so concerned with protecting their children from disappointment and failure that they robbed them of developing the skills necessary for adulthood. The focus was on building their academic accolades, not resilience. In the article, Lythcott-Haims argues, "such 'overhelping' might assist children in developing impressive résumés for college admission, but it also robs them of the chance to learn who they are, what they love and how to navigate the world."

Parents feel a lot of pressure to provide their children with every advantage to get into a "good" college. What may have begun as, "I just want my child to be happy," "I want them to develop their own interests," or "Everyone has different strengths," turns into a focus on GPA, number of advanced classes, and whether or not their educational experience looks good on paper. In doing so, parents often fall into the trap of rescuing their kids from making and learning from mistakes, preventing them from achieving their accomplishments on their own, and figuring out what path is right for them.

Parent Tips
1.  Confidence Comes with Experience
Children and teens need to learn how to solve problems through experience. They need to be supported in coming up with the solutions themselves and seeing if they work. The best way to build confidence is for kids to experience making mistakes and knowing they have the skills to fix future mistakes.

2.  Focus on the Process Over the Product
Praise the "process" and effort your child puts toward a task, rather than the outcome, even if the outcome wasn't what he or she expected. Talk about how your child tried to achieve a goal, whether or not it worked.

3.  Strong Grades, Not Good Grades
Talk about whether or not a test score or grade is strong for your particular child in that particular subject. An A may be a strong grade for one child, but a B may be a strong grade for another child who isn't as skilled in that subject area.

4.  Don't Associate Grades with Intelligence
Grades measure academic skill, not intelligence. Some students are more academically gifted than others. However, that does not mean they are more intelligent.


For the complete Washington Post article, follow this link.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/education/wp/2015/10/16/former-stanford-dean-explains-why-helicopter-parenting-is-ruining-a-generation-of-children/

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Yes! It is Okay to Read Your Kids' Texts and Here is Why

Almost every parent we talk to asks us if it is okay to check their kids' texts. We say, "Yes!" Here is why:

1.     Kids need to learn that texts are NEVER private. When they put something in writing and hit "send", it is out there and there is nothing they can do about who sees it. Kids tell us every week of instances when the text recipient promised not to share something they sent, but did. By the way, adult's texts are not totally private either. If someone sends me a text, even on a lock-screen, that text is displayed for everyone to see.

2.    They are learning to take a pause and be considerate in what they write and how they write it. There are many misunderstandings that occur in a text conversation. However, if kids write a text like their parent is looking over their shoulder, they are less likely to impulsively send something they wish they could take back. This is very important for this generation of instant gratification.

3.    They will think about the topics they are texting about. If kids think their parents may see something they text, it requires them to censor themselves. This is very important in a culture of kids where sexting and cyberbullying are common.

What to Tell Your Kids

"I want you to know that your texts are not private. Texting is a tricky thing to learn and there are a lot of ways kids get themselves in trouble for things they write in texts. You have no control over who sees your text once you send it. That is true for anything you put in writing, like emails. I agree 100% that you need privacy. You can have that through voice to voice conversations, either over the phone or in person. I don't want you to ever use texting as a way to communicate private things."

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5 NEW Tips to Prepare Kids for School

Back to School, Ready or Not?

5 Tips Not on Any Other List to Prepare Kids for School

 

Ready or not, the summer is coming to a close and the school year is fast approaching. Some kids are excited to see their friends, others are anxious about the academic and social demands. Whatever position a parent is in when sending kids back to school there are ways to ease the transition.

1.      Set Academic Goals Together

It is the goal of most parents for their children to be a “good student.” It is also the goal for many kids. However, most families don’t talk about the specific expectations until there is trouble. Instead, this year, sit with each child individually and talk about what his or her expectations are for the school year. Ask questions such as, “What grades are you working for?” and “How will you know you are trying your best?” At that point, parents can set their expectations. Include in the discussion, what you expect your children to do when they are not meeting those expectations. For example, if a class is particularly challenging and your child is not meeting the expectations, he or she needs to come to you and let you know with a plan to improve it (meet with teacher, work with tutor, study with you for next test, etc.). You want to promote the idea of being proactive when things are challenging, not waiting until they get in trouble before addressing it.

2.      Develop the Plan for Homework and Morning Routines

From the very start discuss the evening and morning routines. Most parents need time to adjust the new schedules too. Don't wait to figure it out as you go along. Set the family up for success and have a plan ahead of time. Talk about things such as expected times for homework, (this may change as outside activities change, that is okay), bedtimes, wake-up, breakfast, putting backpacks together, leaving for school, etc.

3.      Get the Bedtime Routines Back

As much as your kids resist, it is time to get them back on track with bedtimes. Try to have dinners earlier and wind down for the night at set times. This is just as important for teens as it is for younger kids. For younger kids this may mean re-establishing bath time, reading, and lights out. For all kids this means having them unplug from electronics (including phones) at a set time. Turn off TV, iPads, video games, and phones to allow them to wind down from the stimulation electronics provides.

4.         Talk About a “Check-In Basket”

If you have kids who have electronics in their rooms, it is very tempting to use them after bedtime. If you have teens that bring a phone to bed, chances are they are on it after the light goes out. Checking it in at a designated time can be an important routine to establish, a charging station in the kitchen perhaps.  If it is established from the start, it removes the temptation and establishes a healthy routine.

5.      Plan End of the Summer Fun

Preparing for getting back to school doesn’t have to be all drab. Plan an end of the summer activity with some of your kid’s friends. This is not only fun, but it is a great way for them to reconnect to peers after a summer break. For kids who feel anxious about going back to school, this can be really helpful. Talk to your kids about what they think would be fun. It can be something easy, like a movie and pizza or sleepover with a friend or two. It can also include something like a BBQ, beach day, or park.
 

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Teaching Kids to Think was Chosen for a NOOK Book Special

We are so excited that Teaching Kids To Think has been selected by Barnes & Noble to be part of their NOOK Book $2.99 limited time special. This is a great opportunity to get your copy today at an amazing price.

Click here for the NOOK Book Special $2.99

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Teaching Kids to Think Named One of Publisher's Weekly Select 2015 Parenting Titles

We are so pleased to announce that Teaching Kids to Think was named one of Publisher's Weekly Select 2015 Parenting Titles! 

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New Study Showed Banning Cell Phones at School Increased Test Scores

A new study conducted in England showed banning cell phones at school increased test scores. Interestingly, it also showed that it had an even stronger impact on lower performing students.

Tell us what you think.

http://money.cnn.com/2015/05/18/technology/smartphones-schools-ban/index.html

 
 



 



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See Our KPBS Interviews About Free Range Parenting

We were happy to accept the invitation back to KPBS to discuss the issue of Free Range Parenting. This has been a topic addressed by parents around the country with differing opinions across the board. In Teaching Kids to Think we discuss the essential opportunities for practice that are missed when children are not provided the chance to play, interact with others, and solve problems away from the watchful eye of an adult. Especially in this generation, parents need to find times for their children to do this. At the same time, it is important to always consider the developmental level, maturity, and history of practice for each child, as well as the safety of the environment.

As you will hear in these interviews, we feel it is important not to make any wide-sweeping judgments based on limited information. As with anything else, there is a spectrum of freedoms that can be offered with "Free Range" type parenting. For one family it may start with observing their child play at a park from afar, while another family may feel it is safe for their child to go the park alone. A child's safety is always the priority. A child doesn't have to ride the bus unaccompanied or walk to the park alone to be given chances for independent problem-solving. We provide many examples in the book of different levels of freedom that can provide similar experiences. The key is to seek out those experiences, and often.

For further discussion listen to the Midday Edition radio and Evening Edition TV interviews by following the link below.

http://www.kpbs.org/news/2015/may/05/free-range-vs-helicopter-whats-best-kids-and-what-/

Hear Our Interview on the Local NPR Radio Broadcast

Tom Fudge was a welcoming host for our interview last week on the local NPR radio broadcast. After the interview he shared his insights about how topics in our book relate to his experience as a father.

Click the link to hear the interview.

http://www.kpbs.org/news/2015/apr/16/san-diego-psychologists-write-book-teaching-kids-s/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+kpbs%2Fmidday-edition+%28KPBS+Podcast%3A+Midday+Edition%29
















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Guest Blogger on Motherhood Later

We want to thank Robin Gorman Newman for inviting us to be guest bloggers on Motherhood Later. Check out the post below for "The Misunderstanding of Intelligence: 5 Ways Kids Get the Wrong Message." 

http://motherhoodlater.com/posts/guest-blog-post-the-misunderstand-of-intelligence-5-ways-kids-get-the-wrong-message-by-darlene-sweetland-and-ron-stolberg-authors-teaching-kids-to-think/


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The Dangers of Anonymous Social Networking Apps: Parents Need to Know What Their Kids are Seeing

Apps are constantly being developed that allow people to communicate their thoughts and feelings with others. This has resulted in cyberbullying that is far reaching. Parents and educators keep up to the best of their ability, but they are often shocked by the swift nature of Social media. Add to the problem the new fad of anonymous postings and it is a face-paced race to keep up.

Continued education about the newest technology is the key. Because we work with teenagers every day, we hear about many of the sites and apps that children and teens are using appropriately and inappropriately. There is a new one. Parents need to know that a new app, Burnbook, has gone viral recently. It was based on the Burn Book from the movie Mean Girls. With this app, students can post pictures and comments anonymously. In addition, you choose a “community” to follow. For example, students can monitor posts from their high school “community” or other schools in their area. Therefore, while it is an app that includes comments from anyone, anywhere, it is very easy for a person to monitor only comments about people in their "community." Recent events have lead to cyberbullying, inappropriate pictures, and threats using the Burnbook app.  

New sites are developed frequently and it is very difficult to know about them all, so we encourage parents to talk to each other and share what they know. Sharing articles like the one we provide here is a great start. It is a very well-written article that provides information about 15 commonly used sites, with the benefits, as well vulnerabilities and dangers of using these sites. This is a must-read article for parents and educators.

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/15-apps-and-websites-kids-are-heading-to-after-facebook

 

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What? College Ready in First Grade?

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/08/education/edlife/is-your-first-grader-college-ready.html?_r=0

This article published recently in the New York Times addresses concerns that many parents have about when to begin to talk with their children about college. Every day parents talk to us about the pressure they feel in trying to prepare their children’s academic resume for college. This article presents the views of some educators that say children need to begin choosing colleges as early as first grade, they need to take the right classes in elementary school to have the top academic resume in high school, and building endurance is important for them to be competitive in the college market (forget moving from band to something new in eighth grade because “it shows”). It is no wonder parents feel this pressure and begin to panic. 

This article also presented a recent study that showed the rate of affluent students completing a bachelor’s degree has doubled since 1970. On the other hand, the rate of low-income students completing a bachelor’s degree has increased very little. While some educators praising the importance of the very early academic resume were from affluent private schools, some were not. They were from low-income areas and their goal was to show their students that college is important and attainable.  

We can tell you that as the years pass the pressure parents feel to push their children to achieve an impeccable academic resume continues to increase dramatically. They want to make sure their kids have all of the choices possible when launching into adulthood. However, there is a limit. We both have private practices full of teens who are feeling extremely anxious about not achieving every possible thing that “looks good on a college application.”  Many of them cancel or decline social invitations, feel exhausted all the time and dread getting any schoolwork handed back because it just reminds them their grades are not good enough. Other students feel like they are a continuous disappointment their parents because they are not achieving those high standards. We also see many students who obtained the academic resume for a highly competitive college, but did not make it past the first year. That was not the intention of their well-meaning parents. As psychologists we can tell you that most students are not Ivy League bound. It does not mean they aren’t “smart enough” to go there, it is just isn’t a fit to their talents and interests. There are many types of colleges and post-graduate programs out there. Children and teens of all ages can and should be exposed to all of those options and they should be presented as just that. Lots of options.

Here is an alternative view posted one week later by Kristin O’Keefe, an author who writes for Motherlode: Living the Family Dynamic, a New York Times blog.

 http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/11/the-community-collegereal-college-divide/

Parent Tip:

There are a lot of options for post-high school education and many paths to lead there.  While it is too early for elementary school children to choose what college they are going to, it is never too early to introduce your kids to the options, listen to others talk about colleges and careers, and even take a walk on some college campuses. Show them what the options are. Teach them to think by being conscientious about identifying a goal, researching a plan to meet that goal, and identifying ways to fulfill that plan. There is something for everyone. When the time comes students and parents need to step-back and choose the program that is the right fit for the student.

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Texts Are Never Private

Texting is such a way of life for kids and teens in this generation (adults too). It allows for rapid and easy communication. Unfortunately, this results in a lot being said without much thought about how it will be received. The impulsive nature of kids and teens paired with the distance a text provides can lead to them writing things they would never say face to face.   

One of the most important lessons for children and teens to learn is that text messages are never private. First, with many phones, when a text message comes in it is seen on the screen even if there is a lock screen. A phone can be left on a desk or table and if a message comes in, anyone can see it. Second, many parents check their kids’ texts. Because the kids are embarrassed about this, their friends often don’t know their messages are being read. Third, anything texted is in writing and can be shared. While friends tell each other they won’t show anyone, we can tell you as parents and therapists who interact with many teens every day, this is not the case. We have not spoken with a teen who has not had a text shared without their permission.

Parent Tip:

One way to help kids monitor what they write in texts is to tell them to write them as if their parents were reading them. This is an important guideline because texts are never private and there is a good chance that someone's parent will read them.  We often hear from kids that they want their privacy. We agree. They need to have private conversations with their friends. Anything they want to communicate that is private should be done voice to voice, either a phone call or in person.

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The Importance of Learning to Wait

One of the most important lessons to teach children and teens in the Instant Gratification Generation is to feel comfortable with waiting. This is even more important for children and teens of this generation. We have a generation directly impacted by the rapid development of technology. These kids have known nothing other than full access to the digital world. Answers to questions are provided within seconds thanks to Google, directions to a new restaurant are provided via GPS, any TV show missed can be found "on demand", and people are available to solve problems in an instant via cell phone. The result is that today's growing children and teens are learning to navigate the tumultuous world with the aid of all these modern conveniences - and therefore expect instant solutions to their problems.

Parent Tip:
When we were kids waiting was naturally built into every day activities. That is no longer the case. In fact, the opposite is true. Because the trend is to make things quicker and easier, parents need to really find opportunities to make their children wait for things. If you are engaged in something and your child makes a request, develop an automatic response to let him or her know what you are doing and how long he or she will have to wait. For example, say, "I'd love to help you with that. Let me finish what I am doing and I will be with you in a few minutes." The younger the child is, the shorter the waiting period. It is also great to share a reason for why your child is waiting: for example, "I need to make a phone call first," "When I finish this chapter," "When I put dinner in the oven," and so on. This helps children learn they are part of a family unit and their parents' activities are important too.

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Welcome to our blog!

Welcome to our blog! We are so excited to provide a forum to discuss topics that are so relevant to raising kids in the Instant Gratification Generation. This page will include parent tips, current events, and resources that directly relate to raising children in this generation.

As clinical psychologists, we have worked with families and educators for over twenty years. Recently, we have found ourselves marveling at the number of children and teens who become easily frustrated when asked to solve a simple social dilemma or deal with a problem on their own. In addition, parents, teachers, and coaches are all talking to us about their concerns about what they are seeing. They see children and teens who expect their problems to be solved right away. With the rapid changes in technology convenience is expected and there are fewer opportunities for children and teens to figure things out on their own. We hope that the information offered in this blog helps parents and educators navigate these unique challenges.