YouTube: What Your Kids Are Watching

Children and teens are spending hours watching YouTube videos every week. It is their television. However, they aren't simply watching a show. They are inundated with messages and influences of many different people, some of whom they look up to and admire. While we can see what our kids are watching on television, we don't see what they are watching on YouTube.

As parents, we try to monitor our kids exposure with parental controls and filters. However, no matter how careful we think we are, we can can't stop it all. Videos aren't always picked up by the filters and even if your kid's devices have controls, many of their friend's won't. When we talk to our boys about things we learn kids are watching, they tell us they hear about the videos because they are passed around on someone's phone at school.

Common Sense Media is a great resource for parents. This month they shared an article that contains very valuable tips on how to talk to your kids about what they watch on YouTube. It also educates parents about what they are seeing. Open communication about what they are exposed to is important in this age of technology. Here is the link:

Talking to Kids About YouTube Celebs Who Cross the Line

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Check Out Our "Ask the Experts" Column in Ann Arbor Family Magazine

The Overscheduled Child:
5 Tips to Avoid the Pressure Trap

We were thrilled to be asked to write an Ask the Experts column for Ann Arbor Family Magazine. We wrote about ways parents can identify whether their child is overscheduled and what to do about it if they are. We will be writing more columns for the magazine so be sure to check back.

Learn about whether your child is overscheduled and
what to do about it. 
Link to Ann Arbor Magazine Article

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The Challenge of Finding Gifts for the Instant Gratification Generation

Remember when your kids ran to the tree on Christmas morning, looking at the carefully wrapped presents with wide-eyed merriment? There is nothing like seeing those boxes as evidence that it is Christmas morning and the festivities begin. While there is so much more to the celebration of Christmas than gifts, there is no denying the jubilation seen on children's faces or anticipation parents feel at that moment.

Parents try very hard to continue those nostalgic moments. However, finding gifts that inspire that much excitement is becoming more difficult. The challenge of raising kids in the Instant Gratification Generation is that they receive so much gratification from what their devices offer. Board games don’t get the same wide-eyed excitement as an iTunes gift card to be used for a new game on their phone or tablet.  Whether it is time texting, Facetiming, or Snapchatting with their friends, watching YouTube videos, or playing games, many parents find their kids aren't looking for much outside their devices. That leaves fewer options for those carefully wrapped boxes and parents who seek any option to fill that void.

Avoid Buying "Filler" Gifts

Here are some ideas to avoid falling in the trap of buying "filler" gifts your kids won't use or spending too much money on electronics.

1. Give family gifts. Kids love gifts that the whole family can enjoy! Our family favorites are activities, such as tickets to the fancy movie theater to see the new Marvel movie or a concert. Family outings like a trip to an amusement park or weekend adventure are also great! If you have a family trip coming up, maybe there is an extra excursion the family would enjoy. Last year our family gift was a river rafting trip the next summer. They can include activities that can happen any time in the year. Family gifts can also include things such as a new T.V. or computer.

2. Make gift cards fun. Let's face it, kids love gift cards. If you are going to give gift cards, make them fun and wrap them in stacking boxes. Many kids ask for gift cards for a specific purchase. You can print pictures of those items or include a catalog for the place the cards are for, such as Game Stop or Target.

3.  Emphasize giving to others. Remind your kids that gifts for Christmas are to show your appreciation for others. Kids have just as much fun giving gifts as receiving them if they are included in the process. Even giving them free-range to wrap the gifts in silly and fun ways gets them excited about giving. Whether it is giving gifts to friends and family or charity, include your kids and invite their ideas. Share your enthusiasm, they will learn from you.

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How to Talk to Your Kids about the Presidential Election Results

     This election was one of most divisive in recent political history. The lack of etiquette and a 24-hour news cycle elicited strong emotional reactions from even those who had never been so passionate about an election before. Because of that we are getting many questions from parents about how to talk to their children about the results. The best approach for parents is to reduce the stress of their kids while educating them about the political process.

Here are ways to talk to your kids about the election:

            Many People have Different Beliefs

1.     Whether your kids support Trump’s perspective or Clinton’s ideals, this election offers parents the opportunity to talk with their kids about the fact that many people in the country have different views. Trump won the electoral vote, yet, Clinton won the popular vote. That means that no matter what their views are, many people think differently than them. Help your kids to be prepared if difficult conversations about the election come up.

You can tell your kids, “While many people in our community (family, group of friends, or whatever fits) believe certain things, we see from this election that other people see things differently. Because we are surrounded by people who believe the same things, it is easy to forget that we are a very diverse country. Sometimes when we talk to people, we hear opinions and ideas that are very different than ours. We might disagree with them very much. Other people might even say mean stuff about things you believe in. How might you react in that situation?”

You will be Okay

2.     This isn’t the first time the country was divided and it probably won’t be the last. It is part of having a democracy and the freedoms that come with it. Talk with your kids about checks and balances, including the process the president must go through to make policy changes. It’s important to communicate to your kids a sense of optimism about the future and their role in it.

You can tell your kids, “The strength of our political system is that even the president doesn’t have absolute power and needs to go through the House of Representatives and the Senate for the most important decisions that impact the country. Also, a lot of the control over decisions about what happens in our city are made by representatives of our state and politicians where we live. Whatever changes occur, happen gradually.”

Show Respect for the Process

3.     Whether you support the outcome or not, it is very important to communicate respect for the process of voting and the freedom to do so in our country. It is important to model for our kids how to be respectful of the process, while at the same time encouraging them to be educated about the issues so they can vote to make changes when they are of age.

You can tell your kids, “We should celebrate the opportunity to participate in the process of shaping our government whether you like the outcome or not. It is important to learn about the issues and exercise your right to vote so you can support the things you believe in.”

Do Something to Support Your Beliefs

4.     If your children don’t like the outcome or how people are reacting to the results, find a cause to support those they feel are being treated unfairly. If they feel the outcome may take away benefits from the poor, help them volunteer to support families in need, serve food at a Soup Kitchen, collect toys for the holidays, etc. If they feel the protests impacted businesses in the community, help them support those businesses with helping out or even writing a card or letter showing their appreciation for what they provide for the community.

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Back to School, Ready or Not

Back to School, Ready or Not?

5 Tips Not on Any Other List to Prepare Kids for School

 

Ready or not, the summer is coming to a close and the school year is fast approaching. Some kids are excited to see their friends, others are anxious about the academic and social demands. Whatever position a parent is in when sending kids back to school, there are ways to ease the transition.

1.      Set Academic Goals Together

It is the goal of most parents for their children to be a “good student.” It is also the goal for many kids. However, most families don’t talk about the specific expectations until there is trouble. Instead, this year, sit with each child individually and talk about what his or her expectations are for the school year. Ask questions such as, “What grades are you working for?” and “How will you know you are trying your best?” At that point, parents can set their expectations. Include in the discussion, what you expect your children to do when they are not meeting those expectations. For example, if a class is particularly challenging and your child is not meeting the expectations, he or she needs to come to you and let you know with a plan to improve it (meet with teacher, work with tutor, study with you for next test, etc.). You want to promote the idea of being proactive when things are challenging, not waiting until they get in trouble before addressing it.

2.      Develop the Plan for Homework and Morning Routines

From the very start discuss the evening and morning routines. Most parents need time to adjust the new schedules too. Don't wait to figure it out as you go along. Set the family up for success and have a plan ahead of time. Talk about things such as expected times for homework, (this may change as outside activities change, that is okay), bedtimes, wake-up, breakfast, putting backpacks together, leaving for school, etc.

3.      Get the Bedtime Routines Back

As much as your kids resist, it is time to get them back on track with bedtimes. Try to have dinners earlier and wind down for the night at set times. This is just as important for teens as it is for younger kids. For younger kids this may mean re-establishing bath time, reading, and lights out. For all kids this means having them unplug from electronics (including phones) at a set time. Turn off TV, iPads, video games, and phones to allow them to wind down from the stimulation electronics provides.

4.         Talk About a “Check-In Basket”

If you have kids who have electronics in their rooms, it is very tempting to use them after bedtime. If you have teens that bring a phone to bed, chances are they are on it after the light goes out. Checking it in at a designated time can be an important routine to establish, a charging station in the kitchen perhaps.  If it is established from the start, it removes the temptation and establishes a healthy routine.

5.      Plan End of the Summer Fun

Preparing for getting back to school doesn’t have to be all drab. Plan an end of the summer activity with some of your kid’s friends. This is not only fun, but it is a great way for them to reconnect to peers after a summer break. For kids who feel anxious about going back to school, this can be really helpful. Talk to your kids about what they think would be fun. It can be something easy, like a movie and pizza or sleepover with a friend or two. It can also include something like a BBQ, beach day, or park.
 

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Old Fashioned Summer Fun

How many times have you talked about summer memories that included being outside, riding bikes, and playing tag with friends?  We find that our kids wake up and hit the couch, to which they are happy to stay if there are no other plans. When we suggest they call a friend or find something to do, they respond with an, "okay", but don't move.

We understand that it is summer and our kids need their down time. Everyone deserves to be lazy at times. But, with this generation of kids, their phones and electronics suck them in and the time passes without them even realizing it. We found a series written in the New York Times to change that pattern.

Check out this article by New York Times Well Family journalist KJ Del'Antonia. She poses an "intentional summer challenge" that invites families to bring back old fashioned fun. She poses a new challenge each week.

The New York Times Intentional Summer Challenge


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Teaching Kids to Think Won Silver Award

We are so excited to share that Teaching Kids to Think won the Silver Award from the Nonfiction Book Awards! 

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School that Banned Cell Phones Saw Test Scores Go Up

In a classroom observation this week I sat in the back of the class and saw students texting, shopping, playing games and looking at YouTube. When there was a break in discussion over half the students looked at their phones. I am in the classroom a lot, and this is not uncommon. I observe private and public schools, small and large schools, traditional and non-traditional schools. The pattern is the same. When teens have a free moment, it is an automatic response for most of them to look at their phone.

It is not surprising that a study completed at the London School of Economics and Political Science showed a significant increase in test scores for schools that banned cell phones. They found "schools that didn’t allow students to carry cell phones saw overall test scores go up by 6.4 percent. More specifically, the students who didn’t perform well increased their test scores by 14 percent after these bans went into effect (2015)." In addition, the authors reported, "banning phones for these students equivalent to an additional hour a week in school, or to increasing the school year by five days.”

While I see the issue of distractions caused by cell phones in the classroom as a pervasive problem across schools, I do see a difference depending on the teacher's policy. In classrooms with teachers who have a rule that no phones will be out during class, I see the distractions much less frequently. In fact, students are more respectful about asking to use their phone to take a picture of notes on the board or a homework assignment. The students are more engaged in discussion and are thoughtful in their answers to questions, rather than looking to Google to give them the answers.

The research by Beland and Murphy is powerful and shows the magnetic affect cell phones have to many teenagers' (and adults') attention. It can significantly impact their learning and performance in school. At the same time, my experience showed me that teachers have a lot of power in the classroom to change the focus to the essential information being taught in the classroom.

For the whole study go to:
ARTICLE: Communication: Technology, Distraction & Student Performance

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Check Out Our New Article in Boston Parents Paper

Raise Confident and Thoughtful Children: Avoid 5 Common Parenting Traps

Check out the article we wrote about raising confident and thoughtful children that was printed by Boston Parents Paper. 

Link to Teaching Kids to Think's article in Boston Parents Paper

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Former Standford Dean Saw the Pitfalls of Helicopter Parenting

Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford Dean, has seen students enter the prestigious school for many years. In a Washington Post article, she reported an increased trend of students who were well prepared academically, but ill prepared to take care of themselves. She saw parents who were so concerned with protecting their children from disappointment and failure that they robbed them of developing the skills necessary for adulthood. The focus was on building their academic accolades, not resilience. In the article, Lythcott-Haims argues, "such 'overhelping' might assist children in developing impressive résumés for college admission, but it also robs them of the chance to learn who they are, what they love and how to navigate the world."

Parents feel a lot of pressure to provide their children with every advantage to get into a "good" college. What may have begun as, "I just want my child to be happy," "I want them to develop their own interests," or "Everyone has different strengths," turns into a focus on GPA, number of advanced classes, and whether or not their educational experience looks good on paper. In doing so, parents often fall into the trap of rescuing their kids from making and learning from mistakes, preventing them from achieving their accomplishments on their own, and figuring out what path is right for them.

Parent Tips
1.  Confidence Comes with Experience
Children and teens need to learn how to solve problems through experience. They need to be supported in coming up with the solutions themselves and seeing if they work. The best way to build confidence is for kids to experience making mistakes and knowing they have the skills to fix future mistakes.

2.  Focus on the Process Over the Product
Praise the "process" and effort your child puts toward a task, rather than the outcome, even if the outcome wasn't what he or she expected. Talk about how your child tried to achieve a goal, whether or not it worked.

3.  Strong Grades, Not Good Grades
Talk about whether or not a test score or grade is strong for your particular child in that particular subject. An A may be a strong grade for one child, but a B may be a strong grade for another child who isn't as skilled in that subject area.

4.  Don't Associate Grades with Intelligence
Grades measure academic skill, not intelligence. Some students are more academically gifted than others. However, that does not mean they are more intelligent.


For the complete Washington Post article, follow this link.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/education/wp/2015/10/16/former-stanford-dean-explains-why-helicopter-parenting-is-ruining-a-generation-of-children/

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Yes! It is Okay to Read Your Kids' Texts and Here is Why

Almost every parent we talk to asks us if it is okay to check their kids' texts. We say, "Yes!" Here is why:

1.     Kids need to learn that texts are NEVER private. When they put something in writing and hit "send", it is out there and there is nothing they can do about who sees it. Kids tell us every week of instances when the text recipient promised not to share something they sent, but did. By the way, adult's texts are not totally private either. If someone sends me a text, even on a lock-screen, that text is displayed for everyone to see.

2.    They are learning to take a pause and be considerate in what they write and how they write it. There are many misunderstandings that occur in a text conversation. However, if kids write a text like their parent is looking over their shoulder, they are less likely to impulsively send something they wish they could take back. This is very important for this generation of instant gratification.

3.    They will think about the topics they are texting about. If kids think their parents may see something they text, it requires them to censor themselves. This is very important in a culture of kids where sexting and cyberbullying are common.

What to Tell Your Kids

"I want you to know that your texts are not private. Texting is a tricky thing to learn and there are a lot of ways kids get themselves in trouble for things they write in texts. You have no control over who sees your text once you send it. That is true for anything you put in writing, like emails. I agree 100% that you need privacy. You can have that through voice to voice conversations, either over the phone or in person. I don't want you to ever use texting as a way to communicate private things."

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5 NEW Tips to Prepare Kids for School

Back to School, Ready or Not?

5 Tips Not on Any Other List to Prepare Kids for School

 

Ready or not, the summer is coming to a close and the school year is fast approaching. Some kids are excited to see their friends, others are anxious about the academic and social demands. Whatever position a parent is in when sending kids back to school there are ways to ease the transition.

1.      Set Academic Goals Together

It is the goal of most parents for their children to be a “good student.” It is also the goal for many kids. However, most families don’t talk about the specific expectations until there is trouble. Instead, this year, sit with each child individually and talk about what his or her expectations are for the school year. Ask questions such as, “What grades are you working for?” and “How will you know you are trying your best?” At that point, parents can set their expectations. Include in the discussion, what you expect your children to do when they are not meeting those expectations. For example, if a class is particularly challenging and your child is not meeting the expectations, he or she needs to come to you and let you know with a plan to improve it (meet with teacher, work with tutor, study with you for next test, etc.). You want to promote the idea of being proactive when things are challenging, not waiting until they get in trouble before addressing it.

2.      Develop the Plan for Homework and Morning Routines

From the very start discuss the evening and morning routines. Most parents need time to adjust the new schedules too. Don't wait to figure it out as you go along. Set the family up for success and have a plan ahead of time. Talk about things such as expected times for homework, (this may change as outside activities change, that is okay), bedtimes, wake-up, breakfast, putting backpacks together, leaving for school, etc.

3.      Get the Bedtime Routines Back

As much as your kids resist, it is time to get them back on track with bedtimes. Try to have dinners earlier and wind down for the night at set times. This is just as important for teens as it is for younger kids. For younger kids this may mean re-establishing bath time, reading, and lights out. For all kids this means having them unplug from electronics (including phones) at a set time. Turn off TV, iPads, video games, and phones to allow them to wind down from the stimulation electronics provides.

4.         Talk About a “Check-In Basket”

If you have kids who have electronics in their rooms, it is very tempting to use them after bedtime. If you have teens that bring a phone to bed, chances are they are on it after the light goes out. Checking it in at a designated time can be an important routine to establish, a charging station in the kitchen perhaps.  If it is established from the start, it removes the temptation and establishes a healthy routine.

5.      Plan End of the Summer Fun

Preparing for getting back to school doesn’t have to be all drab. Plan an end of the summer activity with some of your kid’s friends. This is not only fun, but it is a great way for them to reconnect to peers after a summer break. For kids who feel anxious about going back to school, this can be really helpful. Talk to your kids about what they think would be fun. It can be something easy, like a movie and pizza or sleepover with a friend or two. It can also include something like a BBQ, beach day, or park.
 

For more information about Teaching Kids to Think go to our website,

     http://www.teachingkidstothink.com/

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Teaching Kids to Think was Chosen for a NOOK Book Special

We are so excited that Teaching Kids To Think has been selected by Barnes & Noble to be part of their NOOK Book $2.99 limited time special. This is a great opportunity to get your copy today at an amazing price.

Click here for the NOOK Book Special $2.99

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Teaching Kids to Think Named One of Publisher's Weekly Select 2015 Parenting Titles

We are so pleased to announce that Teaching Kids to Think was named one of Publisher's Weekly Select 2015 Parenting Titles! 

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New Study Showed Banning Cell Phones at School Increased Test Scores

A new study conducted in England showed banning cell phones at school increased test scores. Interestingly, it also showed that it had an even stronger impact on lower performing students.

Tell us what you think.

http://money.cnn.com/2015/05/18/technology/smartphones-schools-ban/index.html

 
 



 



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See Our KPBS Interviews About Free Range Parenting

We were happy to accept the invitation back to KPBS to discuss the issue of Free Range Parenting. This has been a topic addressed by parents around the country with differing opinions across the board. In Teaching Kids to Think we discuss the essential opportunities for practice that are missed when children are not provided the chance to play, interact with others, and solve problems away from the watchful eye of an adult. Especially in this generation, parents need to find times for their children to do this. At the same time, it is important to always consider the developmental level, maturity, and history of practice for each child, as well as the safety of the environment.

As you will hear in these interviews, we feel it is important not to make any wide-sweeping judgments based on limited information. As with anything else, there is a spectrum of freedoms that can be offered with "Free Range" type parenting. For one family it may start with observing their child play at a park from afar, while another family may feel it is safe for their child to go the park alone. A child's safety is always the priority. A child doesn't have to ride the bus unaccompanied or walk to the park alone to be given chances for independent problem-solving. We provide many examples in the book of different levels of freedom that can provide similar experiences. The key is to seek out those experiences, and often.

For further discussion listen to the Midday Edition radio and Evening Edition TV interviews by following the link below.

http://www.kpbs.org/news/2015/may/05/free-range-vs-helicopter-whats-best-kids-and-what-/

Hear Our Interview on the Local NPR Radio Broadcast

Tom Fudge was a welcoming host for our interview last week on the local NPR radio broadcast. After the interview he shared his insights about how topics in our book relate to his experience as a father.

Click the link to hear the interview.

http://www.kpbs.org/news/2015/apr/16/san-diego-psychologists-write-book-teaching-kids-s/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+kpbs%2Fmidday-edition+%28KPBS+Podcast%3A+Midday+Edition%29
















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Guest Blogger on Motherhood Later

We want to thank Robin Gorman Newman for inviting us to be guest bloggers on Motherhood Later. Check out the post below for "The Misunderstanding of Intelligence: 5 Ways Kids Get the Wrong Message." 

http://motherhoodlater.com/posts/guest-blog-post-the-misunderstand-of-intelligence-5-ways-kids-get-the-wrong-message-by-darlene-sweetland-and-ron-stolberg-authors-teaching-kids-to-think/


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The Dangers of Anonymous Social Networking Apps: Parents Need to Know What Their Kids are Seeing

Apps are constantly being developed that allow people to communicate their thoughts and feelings with others. This has resulted in cyberbullying that is far reaching. Parents and educators keep up to the best of their ability, but they are often shocked by the swift nature of Social media. Add to the problem the new fad of anonymous postings and it is a face-paced race to keep up.

Continued education about the newest technology is the key. Because we work with teenagers every day, we hear about many of the sites and apps that children and teens are using appropriately and inappropriately. There is a new one. Parents need to know that a new app, Burnbook, has gone viral recently. It was based on the Burn Book from the movie Mean Girls. With this app, students can post pictures and comments anonymously. In addition, you choose a “community” to follow. For example, students can monitor posts from their high school “community” or other schools in their area. Therefore, while it is an app that includes comments from anyone, anywhere, it is very easy for a person to monitor only comments about people in their "community." Recent events have lead to cyberbullying, inappropriate pictures, and threats using the Burnbook app.  

New sites are developed frequently and it is very difficult to know about them all, so we encourage parents to talk to each other and share what they know. Sharing articles like the one we provide here is a great start. It is a very well-written article that provides information about 15 commonly used sites, with the benefits, as well vulnerabilities and dangers of using these sites. This is a must-read article for parents and educators.

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/15-apps-and-websites-kids-are-heading-to-after-facebook

 

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What? College Ready in First Grade?

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/08/education/edlife/is-your-first-grader-college-ready.html?_r=0

This article published recently in the New York Times addresses concerns that many parents have about when to begin to talk with their children about college. Every day parents talk to us about the pressure they feel in trying to prepare their children’s academic resume for college. This article presents the views of some educators that say children need to begin choosing colleges as early as first grade, they need to take the right classes in elementary school to have the top academic resume in high school, and building endurance is important for them to be competitive in the college market (forget moving from band to something new in eighth grade because “it shows”). It is no wonder parents feel this pressure and begin to panic. 

This article also presented a recent study that showed the rate of affluent students completing a bachelor’s degree has doubled since 1970. On the other hand, the rate of low-income students completing a bachelor’s degree has increased very little. While some educators praising the importance of the very early academic resume were from affluent private schools, some were not. They were from low-income areas and their goal was to show their students that college is important and attainable.  

We can tell you that as the years pass the pressure parents feel to push their children to achieve an impeccable academic resume continues to increase dramatically. They want to make sure their kids have all of the choices possible when launching into adulthood. However, there is a limit. We both have private practices full of teens who are feeling extremely anxious about not achieving every possible thing that “looks good on a college application.”  Many of them cancel or decline social invitations, feel exhausted all the time and dread getting any schoolwork handed back because it just reminds them their grades are not good enough. Other students feel like they are a continuous disappointment their parents because they are not achieving those high standards. We also see many students who obtained the academic resume for a highly competitive college, but did not make it past the first year. That was not the intention of their well-meaning parents. As psychologists we can tell you that most students are not Ivy League bound. It does not mean they aren’t “smart enough” to go there, it is just isn’t a fit to their talents and interests. There are many types of colleges and post-graduate programs out there. Children and teens of all ages can and should be exposed to all of those options and they should be presented as just that. Lots of options.

Here is an alternative view posted one week later by Kristin O’Keefe, an author who writes for Motherlode: Living the Family Dynamic, a New York Times blog.

 http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/11/the-community-collegereal-college-divide/

Parent Tip:

There are a lot of options for post-high school education and many paths to lead there.  While it is too early for elementary school children to choose what college they are going to, it is never too early to introduce your kids to the options, listen to others talk about colleges and careers, and even take a walk on some college campuses. Show them what the options are. Teach them to think by being conscientious about identifying a goal, researching a plan to meet that goal, and identifying ways to fulfill that plan. There is something for everyone. When the time comes students and parents need to step-back and choose the program that is the right fit for the student.

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